Well, I am not a newbie to writing about my personal life. Is it weird?– a little, but do I enjoy telling my friends these stories of mine? Yes. I am somewhat of an open book. And I think of  topics to write about all the time (sadly most of them relating to dating), but never end up writing about it because I get so busy. Plus the fact my previous dating experiences and theories shared online did spawn me a little national television appearance (thank you Anderson Cooper), I have decided to share another story. The story of the worst date I have ever been on. Is there a website where people could share really bad dates? There should be. Maybe I will (wo)man that project.

While I could write an entire blog about how lame online dating is, I will spare the negativity…for now (that’s a whole other topic). And I could go on and on about how socially inept people (men) are these days, but again I will refrain (and have somewhat already talked about that in the past).

Where I will start is with this: He has my number.

What does that mean to men these days that have your number? Time to text. No one calls these days any more. And for those of you that know me well, know I am included in that, and those of you that know me better, know that I cannot stand when a guy gets your number then never calls only texts. I especially hate pointless texts that just try to keep you around, but never get to any point.

Let’s give this guy a name, an alias. We will call him Mr. Bubbles (I will get to why later). So Mr. Bubbles has my number. He texts me a few times, we exchange witty banter here and there are a few times within that week or so where he’d text me to go out. Not go out in a few days, but literally meet him out like right then and there. He knew I lived North and would write something like “Park. Brunch, come join now.” I am sorry, did you just ask me to have a date with you now. And are you really eating by yourself at THE Sunday Funday spot in Austin? Doubtful. So did you just ask me to join you and your friends…well that’s a weird first meet up. I told him I was busy. Not because I was lying, but because I actually was busy– showing houses or working an open house-can’t remember but there was definitely plans in my books. He stayed persistent and nice. Good. The witty banter texts continued for the next few days and he had asked me to to do something a few days later, but again at the time he was texting me. I had a softball game, I told him he would have to be a better planner than that. I keep busy. (In a nice way I said this, I am not always abrasive-promise).

Then I got a call one night. I paused from my friends and answered. Holy crap, I thought to myself, this guy ACTUALLY called. It was a miracle. He noticed it was loud-ish where I was. I explained I was having dinner and catching up with a friend in town. He was bummed I was busy because he was going to ask me to do something–again–at that very moment. And then honest Ash kicked in. You know her well. I said, “Look, if you want to ask me out on a date, you need to plan a few days ahead. I can’t just drop what I am doing any night of the week and come meet you. I put things in a calendar. I work evenings and nights some times and I am a social person.” He got the message. We finally scheduled  a date. Sometimes being blunt works for me (other times it does not, ha).

Typical date place picked: Kona Grill (since we both are North Austinites). Time of date 8pm.

The night of our date rolls around, at about 3pm he calls to confirm. (Again, he called–props to him). But asks if we can push it back to 8:30, fine by me. Around 7 or so he texts me he is just about to hit the gym and can we make the date at 9pm. I texted him back and said-Sure that’s fine, but doesn’t the restaurant close at 10? No response. Oh well, I guess 9 it is. I arrive at 9. I don’t get too excited about many dates, especially because I am just so burnt out on them and most of them are pretty low key lunches, walks, dog park dates etc (which is what I suggest because who wants to sit through a dreaded 2hr meal–which I end up paying for my half anyway to a restaurant I didn’t even really want to go to -yes this happened, again-another blog). I was semi excited about this one because  1. He was Tall (I have found most guys lie about their height, and also my heels and wedges make me one tall lady). And 2. He was funny (well via text at least) and I will add he was kind of confident, which is always attractive for the opposite sex. And 3. He had suggested an actual, decisive “real date” place, made the plan-didn’t leave it to me, and all that good stuff.

So he shows up late. No biggie. I am not always on time either. But the restaurant closes at 10pm. So 9:15 we head to a table, as there are really only about 10 in the whole place and you can tell the servers are cleaning and taking care of their check out (being in the service industry for as many years as I have made me already aware that we were going to be that last annoying table). I double check it is still that fantastic reverse happy hour. ” No I am sorry, we don’t do that on Sundays” says the hostess. As we walk to a table Mr. Bubbles says, “Aww man, are you serious.” And we sit down and look at the menu, ” Everything here is so expensive if it isn’t on happy hour.”

I am not rich. This place wasn’t a fancy steak house, and I know I may sound like a total brat, but guys–don’t ever complain about the menu price. ESPECIALLY if YOUpicked the freakin’ place. If you are too cheap to eat, drink and tip, then just don’t go out, there are plenty of things you can do then. I normally wouldn’t gripe about this kind of thing, but after several conversations with friends-I know I am not alone on this opinion. Strike 1: The guy gripes about menu prices at restaurant HE PICKED!

I suggested we go somewhere else. “The Park is open until 2 and may still be serving food.” He asks me what I want to do, I said I didn’t care, and then he starts talking about other stuff. The waiter comes by a few times before he finally orders a coffee. We don’t discuss the menu and what we are going to eat and in fact he pushes it aside. So in my head I am thinking: Did he really just order coffee this close to closing? And the other part of me was thinking–did he really just order ONLY a coffee and we aren’t even going to eat or anything? I am not sure how we got on the subject, but Mr. Bubbles was funny via text, but on the date, no, he was quite boring. He discussed how awesome he used to be at music, but he quit that after a while of living in Austin. He discussed how “set” he was in life and how he could probably retire early. Then he discussed how he had dropped out of college several times and he worked part time at UPS. Hmmm. Strike 2: Mr. Bubbles was boring and liked to chat about himself A LOT. (And I am not even scratching the surface of some of the ridiculous things we discussed)

Conversation eased up some when I called him out for being so playful via text messages and so serious on our date. We chatted about dating. Isn’t that what you do on dates–Discuss your theories and awkward moments and the pros and cons? I think I have on almost every date.

Well the restaurant was definitely closed. Waiter had come by about 5 times to see if we were ever going to order. I had about three glasses of water. He had a cup of coffee, which he had asked for another but the waiter said the “dishwasher” already threw it out to wash the pot. We were the last table in the restaurant just about. He paid for his coffee (semi surprised I didn’t pay for it, though because my water was free, I didn’t offer to split the tab).

He walked me to my car, which happened to be right next to his. He did the whole, hug and “I had a nice time ” line. I said the same but was definitely thinking otherwise. He asked if our date was disappointing. I told him that he just seemed really serious and kind of nervous. His explanation was that he wanted to show me a serious side. haha. Oh boy. He also mentioned that he’s a “health nut” and trying to eat really well. I then said, “oh, well you should have said something, we could have gone bowling or done something active if you don’t go out to eat much.” I kid you not, he told me, “Well I don’t really know how bowling works and all that…” Apparently he also doesn’t know how dinner dates work either. I can’t tell if that was a really crappy excuse or the truth. Remember earlier when I mentioned he had started his own business and he was “set for life”? His mini-van that he drove was the company cleaning business he had started. He told me he used to have four, but just down to this one and yes, it has a maid and bubbles painted all over it. Hence the alias Mr. Bubbles, because apparently that’s what the guys at work call him. Strike 3: I don’t really even need to explain why this date was over before it began.

Best part about this whole date was his response the next day.

Honest Ashley came out full speed ahead (#sorryfornotbeingsorry) all via text message (note I am typing these text messages as they appear on my phone):

Bubbles: I like your confidence miss Ashley and what you got to say. I hope I wasn’t too much of a disappointment. Thank you. It was very nice meeting you.

Me: Well, the thing that was disappointing was I was under the impression we were going to eat. So I didn’t eat all day to have a nice meal with you and then you don’t even ask if I could care for anything after we just got done talking about how on first dates there are little tests that people give each other. If you didn’t want to spend any money or eat bad you should have just said so and we could have met at a coffee shop or something. I just thought I was going to see this playful side and then you were just so serious. Sorry if that sounds mean, I am just really honest. But I didn’t feel any sparks and it was nice meeting, thank you so much. [Longest text ever, I know]

Bubbles: Cool. I could tell you wanted to leave within the first five minutes. I had my next date after yours and she came home with me and is still asleep in my bed–I’ll ask her if I was sweet enough and treated her right when I wake her up in a sec here and drive her home. I will get this right someday.

I won’t go into the next few text messages from Mr. Bubbles raging on me, but the funny part was the next day I got a text that said: Let me know what I can do to get you more clients. I wanna see u succeed. [weird].

Again, I didn’t respond. Perhaps dating etiquette is half the battle. Who knows, but this guy had to go.

Right. I will be sure and do that Mr. Bubbles.  And so the search continues for a better worse date to write about. Can this experience be topped? Only time will tell (and my blog). Stay tuned for more shenanigans and as always thanks for reading.

Who is Ashley and what does she do when she is not blogging about her unfortunate Austin bad dates? Read more on here by clicking here! And have a wonderful day.