Tag Archives: dating

My Top Dates of 2015 (that actually never happened)

Last year I wrote about my Top Dates of 2014.

And by “top” I mean, pretty awful, but always humorous events to tell about, of course…

This year I surprisingly (and thankfully) don’t have terrible dating moments to share (ask me about Molester Mike when you see me, I feel too bad blogging about this one).

HERE ARE THE TOP 5 DATES of 2015…

THAT ACTUALLY NEVER HAPPENED:

NUMBER 5: Mr. Philanthropy

(He did a ton of volunteering, seemed like a nice dude). Got my number on a Sat. touching base with me, text, text blah blah, I like this, cool, I live in that part of town, blah blah…

Him: let’s get together tomorrow then?

Me: Ah, sorry I can’t plans with friends, but after?

Him: Ah, no time, but we can schedule something next week.

Him on Monday: Proposes Ice Cream at Lick off Burnet on Wednesday. (swoon, he picked a place I was going to be near and didn’t pussy foot, but made a plan)

Me: Cool, that works, see you there, blah blah blah, texty text, blah blah things we both have in common yadda yadda

Him on Tuesday 10:44pm: I have to cancel. I have been seeing a woman that I want to move forward with, best of luck!

Me: Cool, thanks for being up front, good luck to you too.

SIDE NOTE: Is this what guys say now instead of the truth? Is this what he really meant:

“Hey gotta cancel, I can tell I am actually not that interested in you and I just matched up with a chick that’s way hotter”

“Hey you are actually pretty boring over text, so I think I am gonna pass”

I will take the “moving on, good luck” over the actual truth, I guess. Just don’t ghost me-man that is annoying.

winston churchill quote

NUMBER 4: Mr. LOL

(If you have read my past blogs you know my hatred for “lol”) Mr. LOL gets my digits on a Wednesday…it’s honestly irrelevant, but I will tell you we lasted until a Sunday, no date ever planned…but I think I am ok with that.

The next series are his responses/comments in our textversation (literally I am scrolling down and typing in his answers) this guy has so much to talk about ya’ll, I tried, I really did: (note any grammatical mistakes are not on my part, I am doing this verbatim, but he wasn’t that bad, actually).

lol youre so tough.

Lol youre so traditional

That’s sexy to me (no I didn’t send him nudes,  I told him I was somewhat traditional)

Again, I know how to treat a woman you’ll see

I think it’s 50/50

should be

Lol so does attitude

(sends me a photo of a weird seal making a face-I think he’s trying to be funny, it does not pertain to our convo) I ask him if he had plans this weekend –and next few responses:

Lol not really and you?

Gay

Still playing (he is referring to me asking him how his poker game is going)

Lol calm down (I joked no cell phones at the poker table)

I won!

Lol ugh

South.

And then he sent me a photo in the bathroom, with a backward caps lifting his shirt up showing me his flexed abs.

I will stop there. That’s all you really need to know.

(SIDE NOTE: 25 Things Men in their 30s need to STOP doing)

i hate lol

NUMBER 3: Mr. Nanna Helper

Started texting me on a Saturday. Blah blah blah from Austin, family here, has a business dealing with real estate blah blah blah commonalities, that’s cool, oh you like doing stuff to your house me too, blah blah text text text. Let him go, had dinner plans. Seemed like a good ol boy, which I liked.

Him Sunday: Good Morning! Happy Sunday! Blah blah, text, text, told him about news I got that day, blah blah, texty text banter.

Monday: Hey How’s it going, just helping out my Nanna, she lives down the street from me.

Me: I am off to the gym, but let’s chat later. I follow up. Blah blah gym was brutal…

Him: Blah blah I think I am getting sick blah blah what are you up to?

Me: researching vacations blah yadda yadda.. where to go, I love travel (it was late)

Tuesday HIm: Follows up on travel conversation, says he has only been to Mexico.

Me: It happens, do you have the desire to travel more?

Never heard from him again. Awesome.

NUMBER 1: Mr. Eureka

Met a guy when we were out-left him my number. He followed up and it was before I was going out on the lake, so I told him if he could be at Hula Hut in an hour, he could come with. He did, it was fine. Ate dinner with us (left wallet in boat, so I paid). This was in August–it was actually on my birthday. So technically we did go out (but it was him submerged with all my friends on the lake, unsure if you call that a real date).

That night: Texted me he had fun, we should hang out some time!

Me: Yeah, I had fun too and sounds good!

Sep from him: Texty text, blah blah, how are things, we should get together some time.

Me: Yeah, sounds good.

Dec. 8, 8:31pm

Him: Whatcha doin?

Me: about to get some work done

Him: Well damn. My life is pretty 9-5 now so let’s meet up sometime soon.

Me: Nice having evenings open, huh? Sounds good

Him: Yeah for sure

Never heard from him again.

NUMBER 5: Mr. Football

Matched on Bumble (a dating app. similar to Tinder with better quality guys and girls have to write first)

Oct. 16: I opened with “which team should I pick for my win in my eliminator challenge?” and gave him the teams I was deciding between.

blah blah, chiefs, blah blah vikings, blah blah bad picks, blah, texty text, from Austin, text text I went to Tx State as well, oh cool what was your major? blah blah blah. football emjoi, hand clapping emoji,

Asked for my number Oct. 26 (yes, 10 days later) after texting pretty much daily here and there and emojid our way through conversations.

Blah blah, Oh we know the same people, blah, texty text, Austin is so small, “lol” blah, yadda yadda, thumbs up emoji, beer mug emoji, yes I go to that bar too…blah blah blah, emoji, wink face, tongue out emoji,

Last Text Sent: Nov. 5

Never had a date, nor a phone call, but we sure did “talk” a lot of football and I tip my hat to a few of his correct picks, helping me through quite a ways. I also used emojis I hadn’t before, so that was a for sure perk.

football pretty boy

And that ladies and gentleman (sorry to report, Mom and Dad) is me “dating” in 2015.

Oh wait, there is one I forgot about!

Bonus round!

I deleted him already but it basically went somethin’ like this:

Mr. Foot Fettish?

Him texting me: What do you do, what do you like to do, do you want to have kids, what do you look for in a man, blah blah blah. What made you decide to reach out to me?

I joked: I didn’t, you reached out to me. (he wasn’t really happy with that answer-we met online, he emailed me, I wrote him back).

Him: blah blah blah, California, new to Austin, yadda yadda, I live DT here, yadda yadda software sales, blah blah wine emoji, treat ladies right blah blah and we texted quite a bit that first night (as I wrote out my xmas card list and watched the Good Wife in the background). We texted about meeting up in a few days, tossed around ideas.

Him: I treat women right blah blah blah. I take care of myself and get pedis (which I have nothing against). blah blah texty text a lot, where ya from, holiday plans, blah blah, do you like what you do, where all have you traveled, airplane emoji, blah blah blah, yadda yadda,

Him some more: I lived in LA forever.

Me: Really, did you like it? I think it is kind of pretentious, but maybe I should visit again.

Him: OMG yes I love LA, it is the best you must visit again! Do you get pedis?

Me: When I can.

Him: I think you can tell a lot about a woman by the way she takes care of her feet.

Me: Well then, I think my feet say-she’s a hard working woman that doesn’t make time for a pedi sometimes. haha

Him: Send me a picture

Me: No, I am busy

Him: Come on, if you don’t send me a pic, I am not taking you out on a date.

Me: I am not sending you a photo of my feet. I actually still have boots on anyway.

Him: Well no date and wine for you until you send me a picture of those feet.

Me: Ok

–And that was that, never got that wine–

foot fettish

(come on, I had to post that image above, too funny, thanks Google images)

You are welcome.

Bring on 2016…and the dating revelations (inspired by Aziz) I will attempt to put into play.

How Dating is like Buying Real Estate in Austin Tx (a seller’s market)

So, I have been meaning to write this blog for a while…each time I sell something I can associate it with dating in a way. And while I have been trying to cut down the dating blogs…well it is inevitable and apparently you people like reading it (at least that’s the feedback I get) so hear me out!

I also heard from a friend (after I told him my next blog idea) that Deb (Jason and Deb on 101X recently talked about this on their podcast). Dammit! She stole my idea! Or maybe I am not original, either way…here we go…

How Dating is like buying Real Estate in an Austin Seller’s Market.

  • The older you get the pickier you get.
    • You have dated enough people to know what you can and cannot be with. ( So, you can’t date a short, messy Liberal who doesn’t have ambition). Same goes when home buying, you have lived in enough houses to know your must haves and deal-breakers. (You need more cabinet space in the kitchen and a bigger yard, but not East of Lamar– got it)

agentclients

  • Do you have enough to offer?
    • You see the one you want, look over from your friend circle at the bar, smile, and make eye contact, give ’em that; Hey I would totally be ok with you walking over here and making conversation look, BUT they don’t respond well. Perhaps you lack that initial physical attraction they need. You’re blonde. They like brunettes. Same as a house: It’s cute! It’s perfect! It’s remodeled! But your offer just isn’t strong enough and you get beat out by another attractive (higher price, more money down) offer.

   multiple offers

  • Coming to the Market Soon!
    • “I hear ___is having problems with ___, probably be single in a week, trouble in paradise…” says your office mate. You get excited, now here is a good one that you really like! You wait a bit before you make any moves—be cool. Be subtle…Boom. Taken. In real estate you put a “Coming Soon” sign in the yard, you call on it ASAP, you see it two days later when you can finally make time…Boom,  already under contract. Sigh. The good ones go off the market quickly.

hotguyinoffice

  • If only…
    • After you date a few people you sometimes wish you could combine all the features to make the perfect significant other! (“He is so nice and good to me, if only he was as funny and tall as my ex.”) That’s equivalent to when you see the remodeled house of your dreams with the pimp master shower and awesome backsplash with cute kitchen island… in the ghetto… surrounded by sex offenders… next to a crack house.                IT’S NOT GOING TO WORK.

ghettohouse

  • What’s the catch?
    • “Meet _____, educated, ambitious, funny, attractive, successful, happy, works out…” (I could go on–all the buzz words that make you attracted to a person. BUT they have been single a while. “Wait how many years since their last relationship?! What’s wrong with them?” Same with a home. You see the photo of only the outside and 60 days on market, two backed out contracts, “there must be something wrong with it, it’s been on the market so long…SKIP!”

jenanniston

  • Slim pickens…
    • The older you get the circle seems to get smaller and smaller of people you’d actually be willing to go out with, everyone starts to have children around you, getting married, and you are enjoying life doing “you” but slightly on the desperate (or what I like to call “open minded”) side where you accept dates with those you’d never really pictured yourself with…or perhaps doesn’t quite meet your “checkboxes“–but hey, you ain’t getting any younger!! That’s like 2012 as the articles start to float around “Austin next best city...” for this and that, says Forbes…everyone moves here, traffic worsens, restaurants improve and now: there is nowhere to live! You start looking in places you’d never thought you would end up. You increase your budget. You search further out in neighborhoods you used to complain about your friends living in (“they live so far!!”) Over paying for 900sq ft for a home…in the ghetto…surrounded by sex offenders next to a crack house. “But it’s remodeled and this area is getting hot!” you say.

Anyway, perhaps you can relate, perhaps you can’t but hopefully you liked the read. As a real estate agent I do have to add that sometimes I feel as though I am breaking up with my clients after their home closes. No more weekends and evenings spent together. No more guiding you through your lost-ness (of home buying ha). No more riding around in cars, complaining about traffic together. No more criticizing paint colors of homes. No more listening to your wants and needs and trying to understand you. “I miss you, Saturday afternoons aren’t the same without you.” I send them monthly postcards and e-newsletters of their neighborhood stats like an ex sends a text when I hear “our song.”

zooey

Anyway, that’s all I have right now. Hope you enjoyed, and as always-thanks for reading! ~Ashley