Category Archives: Modern Romance

Butterflies and Such

Hi again. It’s me.

I know, it’s been a while.

While I love writing (I journal weekly-ish, make lists daily, and jot down goals often on a dry erase board, etc) this whole blogging thing is kind of time consuming. And I hate that excuse “I don’t have enough time.” Because it really means “it is not a priority…right now.” And that purely has been the case. While I love to share–> restaurant tips, real estate, worst dates and the like, it can take some time to write these things down, ya know?! But I figured it’s time and I was in the mood….so here goes..

To get started: I was going to write about some of the good reads I have had this year…nah. My recent trip to Colorado..nah. Or how about a post on how I am trying to not use the word (or excuse) “I’ve been so busy.”

“Why don’t you blog about dating anymore?”

“You should write about your bad dates again, that was funny.”

But let’s be real. No one gives a shit about what books I am listening to on Audible to try and self improve…ya wanna hear the dating struggles, I get it. So while I don’t have my top 5 worst dates of 2018—(hmm have I even¬†been on five dates this year?)

The reason I haven’t blogged about the ol dating life is simple…a few reasons:

  1. Dating life is kinda non existent (we’ll get to the why further below)
  2. I tried to cut out writing negatively (and let’s be real, while I try to take a light hearted approach to dating, I wasn’t writing the most positive experiences)
  3. I been “busy” ya’ll ūüėČ (blogging takes a lot of time and not where my focus has been lately)

While those above reasons are semi-true, I figured I would take some time to share some revelations/realizations/advice I have been trying to apply to my personal life in the last few months.

First off I would like to say the recent read that I do recommend (single or not) is called: Attached. It opened my eyes to a lot about already self aware self, but also about others who are basically not a good match/wasting my time. But it can be applied in other ways besides dating. It is based on attachment style theory, categorizing people as: Avoidant, Anxious and Secure. And I found it interesting and worth the read.

They also mentioned it on the U Up? Podcast I listen to, right after my therapist had also brought it up–so I figured it was meant to be.

attached-guest

(This book is about Attachment Style Theory-read it).

Revelation Number One: Say What You Want

I know some pretty awesome people. And some of the people I envy are pretty damn selfish with their time and tend to get what they want. My old view of this is that they were picky or selfish or bitchy, but as I have gotten older I realized—It does not make a woman a bitch to say exactly what she wants. Why the f do I always order the burger as is and pick off everything? Because that’s how I was raised and I never want to “inconvenience” anyone. A mild example–but you get my point.

As I sat across from my therapist explaining to her about another¬†frustration in dating, she brought to my attention…”How is he supposed to know you value ___if you never tell him?”

And well, she made a good point. I left this blank because there are endless things that can be filled in that blank (amIright?)…chivalry is a big one for me (yes, yes I can take care of myself fo sho, but something about a man going out of his way with good manners and nice gestures to show he’s interested–call me old fashioned, I don’t care). Anyway, she would give me examples, of how I could word a statement to inquire his thoughts on something important to me, but also state what I want–and to be honest, the idea of it, still makes me cringe. I would usually always counter back with–“I can’t say THAT!!!” {Plus, do you know how indecisive I am?!?! But that’s another topic for another time}

I am not saying I am any better at this, but a work in progress, definitely have improved by speaking up a bit more. It can also be applied to other areas in life (and there’s definitely a way to word what’s on your mind without offending or coming across like a total Bia) but you sure do get a lot farther this way vs playing guessing games and having false expectations I suppose.

 

saywhat you mean

Revelation Number Two: Three Date Rule

After reading “Attached,” there was a line in the book that talks about often times the people that would be a good match for¬†me are often mistaken for “boring” after meeting them.

This hit me hard. I cannot tell you how many dates I have gone on, that I said, “He’s nice, just kinda boring.”¬† Maybe I live in a fairytale world, but I was really expecting some kind of butterfly feeling when I met someone (and I have had it before, so perhaps determined to feel it again)? If ya know me–you are probably thinking–everyone is probably too boring for you, crazy girl! And yes, it is true. I am always on the go with a ton of energy and like to keep things pretty interesting and challenging for myself…I have no clue why, but I am owning it. Keep up.

This part of the book made me ponder the “Do I need that butterflies feeling for someone else?” Or can things slowly grow?? Which lead to a constant polling of women–from my married Air Bnb house guests with late convos on the back porch, co-workers, friends, engaged…dating for 4 months…everything in between—I would ask:

“When you first met ____insert significant other___, did you like know you’d be together or did it slowly grow into something more?!”

Here’s some of the answers from my “research”:

He definitely grew on me.

He was persistent.

I almost didn’t go on a second date with him, but my sister talked me into it.

The skeletons were out of the closet around date four, and I knew I could be myself around him.

I liked him the more we hung out, but not really at first.

He treated me better than any guy had.

I broke with up with him, and he kept being persistent and told me we would still date.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Some women (much fewer) said they hit it off from the get go, but majority rules here–and I am applying advice from a friend’s sister who said-“give it three dates.” This is something I have been attempting to explore my own self, but let’s just work on getting one date first, huh?

This also correlates to my blog after I read Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance too. He explains that as a society we are always wanting 9s and 10s and five star reviews, and that really no one is themselves on date one, so if it is a 5/6 or better, go again, and if date 2 is a five or better go again..and so forth, as things tend to grow. The swiping apps keep us always looking for the next best thing vs getting to know what is right in front of us.

Guilty.

three dates

(see what I did there? Three dates….ha)

Now, the above revelation is a good rule, however there is one thing this past year that I also keep (trying to) listen to…it is loud and we push it away a lot (or at least I do).

it is your gut.

Revelation Number Three: Listen To Your Gut

So this contradicts a bit of rule number two, but not really.

I once had gone out with a guy a few times that I had the “butterfly” feelings for (which I now¬†understand, from “Attached” that¬†was only me being anxious)¬† about an attractive guy that pretended to like me, but there was a definite gut feeling that he wasn’t all that great…and I thought something was off.

I texted my friend whose husband is a cop and asked her if it was possible if she could run a background check on him for me. If that isn’t a gut feeling I don’t know what is.

Her answer was pretty perfect “Ha no, we can’t do that, but if you are asking that’s probably not a good sign!”

And yes. He was shitty. So I moved along.

Someone else I know posted a “trust your gut” story the other day to share with friends. She had a¬†weird feeling before she left her house to go for a run–as if she should have taken mace or maybe not even go¬†on a run that am and sure enough she had a bad run-in¬†and the story ends with¬†a man chasing her and she was fearful for her life. Her point was basically–to listen to yourself. We are more intuitive than we give ourselves credit for.

I fight it often myself.

My trust in people is strong, and I try to give the benefit of the doubt. I find that often the signs were there, I really wanted something to work out or perhaps I try to tell myself that I expect too much or want too much–not so. Our gut will let us know what we are willing to excuse and what we are not.

tustyourgut

Anyway, I hope you found my “recent revelations” (for dating and/or life) applicable to your own. And maybe even a new read/listen. Trust your gut, give it a chance…or three and don’t forget to say what you want (it’s ok to pick the restaurant).

Cheers.

 

My Top Dates of 2015 (that actually never happened)

Last year I wrote about my Top Dates of 2014.

And by “top”¬†I mean, pretty awful, but always humorous events to tell about, of course…

This year I surprisingly (and thankfully) don’t have terrible dating moments to share (ask me about Molester Mike when you see me, I feel too bad blogging about this one).

HERE ARE THE TOP 5 DATES of 2015…

THAT ACTUALLY NEVER HAPPENED:

NUMBER 5: Mr. Philanthropy

(He did a ton of volunteering, seemed like a nice dude). Got my number on a Sat. touching base with me, text, text blah blah, I like this, cool, I live in that part of town, blah blah…

Him: let’s get together tomorrow then?

Me: Ah, sorry I can’t plans with friends, but after?

Him: Ah, no time, but we can schedule something next week.

Him on Monday: Proposes Ice Cream at Lick off Burnet on Wednesday. (swoon, he picked a place I was going to be near and didn’t pussy foot, but made a plan)

Me: Cool, that works, see you there, blah blah blah, texty text, blah blah things we both have in common yadda yadda

Him on Tuesday 10:44pm: I have to cancel. I have been seeing a woman that I want to move forward with, best of luck!

Me: Cool, thanks for being up front, good luck to you too.

SIDE NOTE: Is this what guys say now instead of the truth? Is this what he really meant:

“Hey gotta cancel, I can tell I am actually not that interested in you and I just matched up with a chick that’s way hotter”

“Hey you are actually pretty boring over text, so I think I am gonna pass”

I will take the “moving on, good luck” over the actual truth, I guess. Just don’t ghost me-man that is annoying.

winston churchill quote

NUMBER 4: Mr. LOL

(If you have read my past blogs you know my hatred for “lol”) Mr. LOL gets my digits on a Wednesday…it’s honestly irrelevant, but I will tell you we lasted until a Sunday, no date ever planned…but I think I am ok with that.

The next series are his responses/comments in our textversation (literally I am scrolling down and typing in his answers) this guy has so much to talk about ya’ll, I tried, I really did: (note any grammatical mistakes are not on my part, I am doing this verbatim, but he wasn’t that bad, actually).

lol youre so tough.

Lol youre so traditional

That’s sexy to me (no I didn’t send him nudes, ¬†I told him I was somewhat traditional)

Again, I know how to treat a woman you’ll see

I think it’s 50/50

should be

Lol so does attitude

(sends me a photo of a weird seal making a face-I think he’s trying to be funny, it does not pertain to our convo) I ask him if he had plans this weekend –and next few responses:

Lol not really and you?

Gay

Still playing (he is referring to me asking him how his poker game is going)

Lol calm down (I joked no cell phones at the poker table)

I won!

Lol ugh

South.

And then he sent me a photo in the bathroom, with a backward caps lifting his shirt up showing me his flexed abs.

I will stop there. That’s all you really need to know.

(SIDE NOTE: 25 Things Men in their 30s need to STOP doing)

i hate lol

NUMBER 3: Mr. Nanna Helper

Started texting me on a Saturday. Blah blah blah from Austin, family here, has a business dealing with real estate blah blah blah commonalities, that’s cool, oh you like doing stuff to your house me too, blah blah text text text. Let him go, had dinner plans. Seemed like a good ol boy, which I liked.

Him Sunday: Good Morning! Happy Sunday! Blah blah, text, text, told him about news I got that day, blah blah, texty text banter.

Monday: Hey How’s it going, just helping out my Nanna, she lives down the street from me.

Me: I am off to the gym, but let’s chat later. I follow up. Blah blah gym was brutal…

Him: Blah blah I think I am getting sick blah blah what are you up to?

Me: researching vacations blah yadda yadda.. where to go, I love travel (it was late)

Tuesday HIm: Follows up on travel conversation, says he has only been to Mexico.

Me: It happens, do you have the desire to travel more?

Never heard from him again. Awesome.

NUMBER 1: Mr. Eureka

Met a guy when we were out-left him my number. He followed up and it was before I was going out on the lake, so I told him if he could be at Hula Hut in an hour, he could come with. He did, it was fine. Ate dinner with us (left wallet in boat, so I paid). This was in August–it was actually on my birthday. So technically we did go out (but it was him submerged with all my friends on the lake, unsure if you call that a real date).

That night: Texted me he had fun, we should hang out some time!

Me: Yeah, I had fun too and sounds good!

Sep from him: Texty text, blah blah, how are things, we should get together some time.

Me: Yeah, sounds good.

Dec. 8, 8:31pm

Him: Whatcha doin?

Me: about to get some work done

Him: Well damn. My life is pretty 9-5 now so let’s meet up sometime soon.

Me: Nice having evenings open, huh? Sounds good

Him: Yeah for sure

Never heard from him again.

NUMBER 5: Mr. Football

Matched on Bumble (a dating app. similar to Tinder with better quality guys and girls have to write first)

Oct. 16: I opened with “which team should I pick for my win in my eliminator challenge?” and gave him the teams I was deciding between.

blah blah, chiefs, blah blah vikings, blah blah bad picks, blah, texty text, from Austin, text text I went to Tx State as well, oh cool what was your major? blah blah blah. football emjoi, hand clapping emoji,

Asked for my number Oct. 26 (yes, 10 days later) after texting pretty much daily here and there and emojid our way through conversations.

Blah blah, Oh we know the same people, blah, texty text, Austin is so small, “lol” blah, yadda yadda, thumbs up emoji, beer mug emoji, yes I go to that bar too…blah blah blah, emoji, wink face, tongue out emoji,

Last Text Sent: Nov. 5

Never had a date, nor a phone call, but we sure did “talk” a lot of football and I tip my hat to a few of his correct picks, helping me through quite a ways. I also used emojis I hadn’t before, so that was a for sure perk.

football pretty boy

And that ladies and gentleman (sorry to report, Mom and Dad) is me “dating” in 2015.

Oh wait, there is one I forgot about!

Bonus round!

I deleted him already but it basically went somethin’ like this:

Mr. Foot Fettish?

Him texting me: What do you do, what do you like to do, do you want to have kids, what do you look for in a man, blah blah blah. What made you decide to reach out to me?

I joked: I didn’t, you reached out to me. (he wasn’t really happy with that answer-we met online, he emailed me, I wrote him back).

Him: blah blah blah, California, new to Austin, yadda yadda, I live DT here, yadda yadda software sales, blah blah wine emoji, treat ladies right blah blah and we texted quite a bit that first night (as I wrote out my xmas card list and watched the Good Wife in the background). We texted about meeting up in a few days, tossed around ideas.

Him: I treat women right blah blah blah. I take care of myself and get pedis (which I have nothing against). blah blah texty text a lot, where ya from, holiday plans, blah blah, do you like what you do, where all have you traveled, airplane emoji, blah blah blah, yadda yadda,

Him some more: I lived in LA forever.

Me: Really, did you like it? I think it is kind of pretentious, but maybe I should visit again.

Him: OMG yes I love LA, it is the best you must visit again! Do you get pedis?

Me: When I can.

Him: I think you can tell a lot about a woman by the way she takes care of her feet.

Me: Well then, I think my feet say-she’s a hard working woman that doesn’t make time for a pedi sometimes. haha

Him: Send me a picture

Me: No, I am busy

Him: Come on, if you don’t send me a pic, I am not taking you out on a date.

Me: I am not sending you a photo of my feet. I actually still have boots on anyway.

Him: Well no date and wine for you until you send me a picture of those feet.

Me: Ok

–And that was that, never got that wine–

foot fettish

(come on, I had to post that image above, too funny, thanks Google images)

You are welcome.

Bring on 2016…and the dating revelations¬†(inspired by Aziz) I will attempt to put into play.