Category Archives: Austin Dating Scene and Theories

My Top Dates of 2015 (that actually never happened)

Last year I wrote about my Top Dates of 2014.

And by “top” I mean, pretty awful, but always humorous events to tell about, of course…

This year I surprisingly (and thankfully) don’t have terrible dating moments to share (ask me about Molester Mike when you see me, I feel too bad blogging about this one).



NUMBER 5: Mr. Philanthropy

(He did a ton of volunteering, seemed like a nice dude). Got my number on a Sat. touching base with me, text, text blah blah, I like this, cool, I live in that part of town, blah blah…

Him: let’s get together tomorrow then?

Me: Ah, sorry I can’t plans with friends, but after?

Him: Ah, no time, but we can schedule something next week.

Him on Monday: Proposes Ice Cream at Lick off Burnet on Wednesday. (swoon, he picked a place I was going to be near and didn’t pussy foot, but made a plan)

Me: Cool, that works, see you there, blah blah blah, texty text, blah blah things we both have in common yadda yadda

Him on Tuesday 10:44pm: I have to cancel. I have been seeing a woman that I want to move forward with, best of luck!

Me: Cool, thanks for being up front, good luck to you too.

SIDE NOTE: Is this what guys say now instead of the truth? Is this what he really meant:

“Hey gotta cancel, I can tell I am actually not that interested in you and I just matched up with a chick that’s way hotter”

“Hey you are actually pretty boring over text, so I think I am gonna pass”

I will take the “moving on, good luck” over the actual truth, I guess. Just don’t ghost me-man that is annoying.

winston churchill quote


(If you have read my past blogs you know my hatred for “lol”) Mr. LOL gets my digits on a Wednesday…it’s honestly irrelevant, but I will tell you we lasted until a Sunday, no date ever planned…but I think I am ok with that.

The next series are his responses/comments in our textversation (literally I am scrolling down and typing in his answers) this guy has so much to talk about ya’ll, I tried, I really did: (note any grammatical mistakes are not on my part, I am doing this verbatim, but he wasn’t that bad, actually).

lol youre so tough.

Lol youre so traditional

That’s sexy to me (no I didn’t send him nudes,  I told him I was somewhat traditional)

Again, I know how to treat a woman you’ll see

I think it’s 50/50

should be

Lol so does attitude

(sends me a photo of a weird seal making a face-I think he’s trying to be funny, it does not pertain to our convo) I ask him if he had plans this weekend –and next few responses:

Lol not really and you?


Still playing (he is referring to me asking him how his poker game is going)

Lol calm down (I joked no cell phones at the poker table)

I won!

Lol ugh


And then he sent me a photo in the bathroom, with a backward caps lifting his shirt up showing me his flexed abs.

I will stop there. That’s all you really need to know.

(SIDE NOTE: 25 Things Men in their 30s need to STOP doing)

i hate lol

NUMBER 3: Mr. Nanna Helper

Started texting me on a Saturday. Blah blah blah from Austin, family here, has a business dealing with real estate blah blah blah commonalities, that’s cool, oh you like doing stuff to your house me too, blah blah text text text. Let him go, had dinner plans. Seemed like a good ol boy, which I liked.

Him Sunday: Good Morning! Happy Sunday! Blah blah, text, text, told him about news I got that day, blah blah, texty text banter.

Monday: Hey How’s it going, just helping out my Nanna, she lives down the street from me.

Me: I am off to the gym, but let’s chat later. I follow up. Blah blah gym was brutal…

Him: Blah blah I think I am getting sick blah blah what are you up to?

Me: researching vacations blah yadda yadda.. where to go, I love travel (it was late)

Tuesday HIm: Follows up on travel conversation, says he has only been to Mexico.

Me: It happens, do you have the desire to travel more?

Never heard from him again. Awesome.

NUMBER 1: Mr. Eureka

Met a guy when we were out-left him my number. He followed up and it was before I was going out on the lake, so I told him if he could be at Hula Hut in an hour, he could come with. He did, it was fine. Ate dinner with us (left wallet in boat, so I paid). This was in August–it was actually on my birthday. So technically we did go out (but it was him submerged with all my friends on the lake, unsure if you call that a real date).

That night: Texted me he had fun, we should hang out some time!

Me: Yeah, I had fun too and sounds good!

Sep from him: Texty text, blah blah, how are things, we should get together some time.

Me: Yeah, sounds good.

Dec. 8, 8:31pm

Him: Whatcha doin?

Me: about to get some work done

Him: Well damn. My life is pretty 9-5 now so let’s meet up sometime soon.

Me: Nice having evenings open, huh? Sounds good

Him: Yeah for sure

Never heard from him again.

NUMBER 5: Mr. Football

Matched on Bumble (a dating app. similar to Tinder with better quality guys and girls have to write first)

Oct. 16: I opened with “which team should I pick for my win in my eliminator challenge?” and gave him the teams I was deciding between.

blah blah, chiefs, blah blah vikings, blah blah bad picks, blah, texty text, from Austin, text text I went to Tx State as well, oh cool what was your major? blah blah blah. football emjoi, hand clapping emoji,

Asked for my number Oct. 26 (yes, 10 days later) after texting pretty much daily here and there and emojid our way through conversations.

Blah blah, Oh we know the same people, blah, texty text, Austin is so small, “lol” blah, yadda yadda, thumbs up emoji, beer mug emoji, yes I go to that bar too…blah blah blah, emoji, wink face, tongue out emoji,

Last Text Sent: Nov. 5

Never had a date, nor a phone call, but we sure did “talk” a lot of football and I tip my hat to a few of his correct picks, helping me through quite a ways. I also used emojis I hadn’t before, so that was a for sure perk.

football pretty boy

And that ladies and gentleman (sorry to report, Mom and Dad) is me “dating” in 2015.

Oh wait, there is one I forgot about!

Bonus round!

I deleted him already but it basically went somethin’ like this:

Mr. Foot Fettish?

Him texting me: What do you do, what do you like to do, do you want to have kids, what do you look for in a man, blah blah blah. What made you decide to reach out to me?

I joked: I didn’t, you reached out to me. (he wasn’t really happy with that answer-we met online, he emailed me, I wrote him back).

Him: blah blah blah, California, new to Austin, yadda yadda, I live DT here, yadda yadda software sales, blah blah wine emoji, treat ladies right blah blah and we texted quite a bit that first night (as I wrote out my xmas card list and watched the Good Wife in the background). We texted about meeting up in a few days, tossed around ideas.

Him: I treat women right blah blah blah. I take care of myself and get pedis (which I have nothing against). blah blah texty text a lot, where ya from, holiday plans, blah blah, do you like what you do, where all have you traveled, airplane emoji, blah blah blah, yadda yadda,

Him some more: I lived in LA forever.

Me: Really, did you like it? I think it is kind of pretentious, but maybe I should visit again.

Him: OMG yes I love LA, it is the best you must visit again! Do you get pedis?

Me: When I can.

Him: I think you can tell a lot about a woman by the way she takes care of her feet.

Me: Well then, I think my feet say-she’s a hard working woman that doesn’t make time for a pedi sometimes. haha

Him: Send me a picture

Me: No, I am busy

Him: Come on, if you don’t send me a pic, I am not taking you out on a date.

Me: I am not sending you a photo of my feet. I actually still have boots on anyway.

Him: Well no date and wine for you until you send me a picture of those feet.

Me: Ok

–And that was that, never got that wine–

foot fettish

(come on, I had to post that image above, too funny, thanks Google images)

You are welcome.

Bring on 2016…and the dating revelations (inspired by Aziz) I will attempt to put into play.

What I am currently Hearting: The September Update.

I may have skipped August as it was a busy month of moving into my new casa, filming with HGTV, and working on stuff around the home {so naturally my home would look cute on National TV.} ha. Now that the boxes are put away, the weather is turning cooler, Football season is back, I thought I would write on a few things I am hearting this month!

Here we go…

1. Aziz Ansari’s book: Modern Romance.

I finally finished it and now both my hard copies are lent out. (I have two because I went to the Paramount for his promo event for the book after I already bought it). It isn’t just for women either. It’s a great read for our generation and alike-single or married, and research driven by focus groups, experiments with Psychologists, with a touch of humor and an overall easy read. The book has topics from Japan’s declining population, the best photos to use for online dating, and why we need to quit going on coffee dates. I took away a lot from it (and need to update my last thoughts on dating because of the read). I hope to apply a few pointers I liked in the book to my oh so fun dating life. Stay tuned for a blog of some sort, I’m sure.


2. Home Owner Life.

So, after a year or so of searching for homes, several offers on condos and houses, I finally closed on one of my own. (Took me long enough to take the plunge!) Like most people say, “I wish I would have bought sooner,” however I try not to live in regret, I was just preparing for the right time for me. I am digging home owner life. Side note: I also feel good about the advice I have given my clients in these past few years–as I am actually now following all the tips and pointers I usually advise to clients of my own. One thing I really like, that I didn’t think I could care less about in a home is my backyard. It’s huge with a nice deck. In fact, I am sitting outside right now typing this in my new patio chairs. So much room for activities! Is it more expensive per month than my last rental? Absolutely. The payment, the bills, the upkeep. Is it all worth it? So far, yes. But maybe I will be singing a different tune in a few months (keep you posted). I feel more like an Adult than I ever have before and that’s kind of scary, because there is still a lot of life to live. ha. I look forward to hosting dinners and parties, and updating here and there (seriously the list is endless, but under control for now) and I have already mowed the lawn, painted inside and exterior, painted my mailbox, got a security system, hung patio lights and changed the air filter…#adultingsohard

so much room for activities

3. Austin City Limits Music Festival 2015 Line Up

Yep, it’s that time of year again! This coming weekend is ACL Music Festival. Now, I am not this huge music junkie that goes to ALL the festivals and camps at Bonnaroo and knows all the obscure bands, BUT I like ACL. This year there are some really great acts and I am even torn between a few bands on the schedule here and there (Alt J or Of Monsters and Men? George Ezra or Gary Clark Jr–you can see GC locally). The weather (usually) is pretty awesome, the music, the friends, and oh the people watching and outfits!! I mean, does the weekend get any better than: listening to some of your favorite bands, learning of some new bands, the funny home made flags, eating Austin’s fine food trucks, having the Zilker grass under your toes, and somewhat disconnecting because you get no service?! I think not. Yes it’s crowded, yet it’s hot or rainy, yes the lines to the porta-potties are long and drinks are pricey, but who cares?! Another interesting thing a friend brought to my attention, and I would have to agree is the comradaree during ACL. There is no VIP (ok there is but it isn’t this huge section of people rubbing it in your face). Everyone in a sense paid the same price. Everyone polices themselves and makes walk-ways and apologizes for stepping on your blanket. You are there, you’re happy and you can go do in essence-whatever the f you want to do. I almost like doing it old school and “meet at the orange Capital statue at 4:45” so we can head to the show we want to see next. What else is nice about that schedule is there is no “wondering what time the headliner is going to come on?” The schedule is kept tight for a reason and it is so you don’t have to guess and you can see all the acts you want to. Friday can’t get here soon enough. Hope to see you there, friends.


WHY ONLINE DATING IS TERRIBLE: RANT II; Tips for Men’s Online Dating Profiles

Hello again!

NOTE: I started this blog post on Nov. 13 2013 and never finished (to give you an idea of how often I start my rants, take a break and then here I am-finally circling back around).

I took a break from online dating for quite a while and well, I am back at it again. (sigh. Meeting someone organically while you eat home cooked meals and watch Netflix proves difficulty).

“Back online”–Each time with a “fresh” approach or “new set of rules.” A clean start if you will. Starting to think my life is pretty good without a significant other though (see past blogs on travel here,). Is this normal?

Recently a friend of mine became single and a group of us sat around (single and non single folk) chatting about dating, online dating, dating apps, how no one talks to you in bars unless it is 1:30am and they are wasty, pick up lines, what’s happening to our generation in regards to dating–and the like–you get the idea.  And so I have decided to pick up where I left in November on this topic and see where it takes me. Hopefully you will be amused/educated/enlightened…or whatever.

If you read “Rant I” I could have kept writing on this topic, but as I got wordy, decided this would be a good starting point to my next post and off to a positive start vs “hating on dating”  and sounding like a bitter hag. So here we go.

First let’s start with MEN– and  your online dating profile approach. And not because I am hating on men, but because I have actually had some of my guy friends (after reading Rant 1) ask for some pointers. Ah, where to begin. (and perhaps there are tips for ladies in here too).

Let me start with saying mine (online dating profile) is not perfect. But it is me. And you need to be you. I have had many drafts and critiques (from men-and friends) and well, after viewing hundreds of online profiles for men (and talking about it with other women who date online as well) here are some of my personal Do’s and Don’ts to your Online Dating Profile, guys. Let’s put your best foot–er, face forward.

I want to break it down first by starting with photos. Yes, the photos-THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF ANYONE’S DATING PROFILE!!! And I am not being shallow I am being REAL. {Don’t act like you don’t just browse photos before (if ever) reading the profile, dudes. We ladies do it too}.

Just as much as guys complain about going on dates with girls and them not looking like their photo (duh we used an Instagram filter, makeup and that post break up photo from our skinny days). I have been on plenty of dates where guys don’t look as good as their photos too!

Do’s and Don’ts of ONLINE DATING PHOTOS:”

1. DO use a RECENT photo. In fact, you should even date the photo in the little caption part ” Mexico, June 2014,” “Last Summer with my friends”

2. Do ask a FEMALE friend which photos you should use. Or shoot, email me-I will straight up tell you if that is a good one or not-I am honest!

3. Do NOT have a blurry photo. Hello, it is 2014. No reason for grainy or blurry photos for online dating. What did you save that in Paint, now it is low resolution, then crop out your family and now you want that to be your main photo online-No, just no. Don’t have any recent photos? What? Have you never been in a photo or hung out with females? Take some! Or shoot, email me, I take photos.

4. Do NOT have a cap and sunglasses on your head in ALL your photos. One is acceptable. When you have it in all of them I (us ladies) assume a few things: 1. you are ugly, or 2. even worse-that YOU think you are ugly 3. and/or hiding your bald spot.

5. I want to discuss Selfies in this bullet but it deserves a whole paragraph…

SELFIES FOR ONLINE DATING:Ugh, I hate Selfies. I hate the word “selfie.” I am (sadly) starting to accept them, but only when used for fun. When I take them personally they are used in Snapchats to my closest girlfriends and I am making the ugliest face possible for giggles. {Call me 14 but I don’t care….Side note: I would care if one of those was ever screen-shotted and placed on the internet-however}

I can see if a guy doesn’t have a lot of photos with friends (ahem, loser who has no friends) or doesn’t have Facebook (weirdo. jk) Some men may have to result in a selfie for online dating due to lack of photos they have of themselves, BUT I still think stay away from the online selfie as much as possible!!!. #selfieresistance ?? #selfierestrainingorder ?? #standupagainstselfies ?? As much as I should hate hashtags (pound signs) I don’t. So there.

There is something about a man taking a Selfie while working out at a gym that I just must say: NO.

Other Selfies I say no to:

-“Just laying here on my couch with a serious face” selfie

-“Just flexing in my bathroom mirror with my bro tank” selfie

-“Just did a side profile of my face because I think it looks cool” selfie

-“Just showing you my hot body in a towel post shower, but not my face” selfie

-“Just buckled up my seat belt and I am in my car” selfie

-“Just driving in my car with my hand on steering wheel, but not looking at the camera” selfie

-“Just sitting here in my car while in park with my dog and my sunglasses on” selfie

-“Just standing here in this public bathroom with urinals behind me” selfie

-“Just clearly laying in my bed being lazy and trying to make a seductive serious face” selfie

-“Just sitting here on my computer at 2am holding the phone high for a good angle so I don’t have a double chin and can use this photo for online” selfie

-“Just dressed up in a suit in my hotel room” selfie

Acceptable Selfies: “I just climbed a beautiful mountain and no one is here to take my photo so I have to prove that I am here with this amazing view and that I conquered this mountain” selfie

That’s all I got for acceptable selfies. haha.

Now, let’s get back to photos for online dating….

5. Do SMILE in AT LEAST one or two of your photos. I cannot tell you how many men post photos of them not smiling. Cool…you don’t look fun at all.

6. Do NOT post 25 photos. I get it, you have been to every stinkin’ country and 6 weddings this year. There’s such a thing as overkill.

7. Do NOT have all group photos where no one knows who the hell you are (I hear girls are super guilty of this too, but just sayin’)

8. Do NOT post a photo with your ex or a bunch of skanky looking chicks in the photo with you. Cool story bro.

Ideally a male’s online dating photos should contain about 4-5 VARIOUS photos, that exemplify the following:

1. You have friends

2. You have hobbies

3. You have a full body and aren’t just a floating head

4. You know how to smile

5. You are not hiding anything (i.e bald spots, missing teeth, a leg, a tattoo sleeve…Now, kids is a separate topic, if you don’t want to show online a photo of your kid(s), that is fine, but a mentioning of having a child should be in writing).


This is a tough one, because everyone is different, but let me tell you bros what I have gathered in regards to what to write in your online dating profile…

Ashley’s Do’s and Don’ts of Online Dating Profiles for Men:

1. DO NOT write 2 sentences/the bare minimum of characters. You sound lazy, like you don’t care to meet anyone and well, uninteresting and on top of that–probably cliche. Was that blunt? Sorry….Just kidding, I am not.

2. DO write about what you like to do. It really isn’t hard. What consumes your time? What do you like doing on the weekends? What do you do when with your friends? What do you not get to do enough of, but really enjoy? What would you do if money and time were not an object?

3. DO SPECIFIC. Now, to sound less cliche (and like other men) take #2 above and get more specific, quirky or funny if you will…So you like going to concerts–where? who did you see last? So, You enjoy getting your hands dirty-in what way-house projects? motorcycles? etc. Cool you like to travel (again who doesn’t?) What’s next on your list? Where do you want to go back to? GET SPECIFIC. Specificity paints a picture, helps people relate. I just made that up, I have no idea what it really does, but it sounds more exciting and less boring and cliche. {Side note if you do not enjoy traveling I would just go ahead and leave that off your online dating profile. haha jk….kinda}

4. DO NOT write “I like to go out, but sometimes I like to stay in and cook or watch a movie” No Shit, Sherlock-everyone does. And everyone puts this in their profile. {However, if you do like to go out EVERY NIGHT-that could be disclosed in this opening paragraph, because that would be different than most.}

5. DO FUNNY. Women love funny. We do. Show that you have a sense of humor, make fun of yourself some or something random and “cute” about you, if you will.

6. DO Disclose. If something is important to you, disclose it! If faith is important to you-say you are looking for someone like minded in that aspect. I think it is ok to state deal breakers in an online dating profile. BUT (and this one is easy to get hung up on…there is a way of going about it). I am such an honest person that in the past guys have told me to take out the lines where I said what I was NOT looking for. Basically there is a nice way of wording you don’t want a deadbeat. Example: Take “I don’t want no scrubs” and translate to: “I really admire drive and ambition” :)

7. DON’T write a novel. I don’t necessarily need to know everything about your life since you were 10. Just like the 25 photos tips–sometimes there is overkill. You have to save something for the dating/getting to know one another phase or as my old broker used to say “Don’t spill the candy jar in the lobby.” Plus no one is going to read it all anyhow.

8. My biggest tip. DO PROOFREAD! You don’t want to sound unedjumicated!! Get a friend to read it over. Read it out loud. A lot of times we know what we meant to say and we read it as we meant it-to ourselves, but read out loud and maybe even bust out a thesaurus on a few words. Double check spelling. Also, don’t write your profile like you are texting and driving. {“wht r u up 2?” bc now u sound stoopid.}

And stop putting Lol! I hate lol. (fine you can put lol, but it is a personal hatred of mine and don’t overuse it). Basically don’t call me for grammar lessons, because I write like I talk, which isn’t the best.

9. Ok this one isn’t a do or a don’t but rather a suggestion. I found profiles with short, concise sentences not only easier to read, but more amusing–especially when in a bulleted/list format. It is easier to skim through, get to the point, be direct, state some important things about yourself and be entertaining…but not everyone can pull this off.

One of my male friends once told me (when we first ran into one another online and I said-“yo critique my profile”): Just think of online dating like a job interview. Your photos are like the resume-You glance through those and they have to be eye catching enough to get a call for the interview. The interview is like the first date.

And then I asked, well what should I write or fix in my profile? And he said: Profile? Guys don’t ever read those.

I would like to think some of us do.

Anyway, I am sure you are bored to tears by now. I hope you found this blog informative or better yet entertaining. I am not sure why I mix my personal and professional viewpoints on the same blog site, but whatever.

**Another disclaimer I would like to mention is that I am not a professional match maker, journalist, dating adviser, know-it-all nor perfect. I am just a single gal with an opinion. As always, thanks for reading and I am sorry this blog didn’t have any pictures for you.**



First Dates + Cocktails= Bad Idea Jeans.

Recently on a Saturday night (why, oh why did I agree to waste a Saturday??) I posted on facebook (after my bad date) “For those of you that follow my personal life via my fantastic dating blog– may have a new “worst first date” blog coming soon.
Stay tuned!!”

Once again, no secret that I blog about my dating life. It’s humorous and honestly, pretty topical. So many things you can discuss with clients, friends and even strangers when it comes to dating or being single in this town. So I figured, why the hell not share it?

Forty Two likes later….and here I am.

Can we first start with Tinder? Some say it is a “hook up” app. but here is my spiel: First off, I am a female–I don’t need an app to “hook up.” Secondly, I am in my 30s (wow that is weird to say) therefore anything can really be used, like online dating, where people ask “Isn’t that site just used for hooking up?!”


People! You are in charge of YOUR actions and your body, so if you choose to hook up with so called boy from Tinder or not–so be it. It can go either way….and it doesn’t necessarily even have to start from a form of online/technological communication.

Never heard of Tinder? Well, it is the most shallow thing I have ever done, but weirdly enough it is direct, positive and instantly gratifies you. (Pretty much everything people in my generation need). Here is how it works: Syncs to your facebook acct. You post five photos of yourself and maybe write a little something about yourself. Most guys don’t (go figure). Unless there is a baby in the photo and they want the females to know, “that’s my niece!” Or if they need to go ahead and disclose they are 6’2 (to brag) or 5’8 (too warn us height obsessed tall girls that they are too short for us). Regardless, you put in your age range (let’s say 29-35) and mileage (30mi radius) and up  pops the gender you are looking for within those specifications. You swipe right if you like and left you don’t. It is that simple. Crazy huh? (However, this does go back to my point that you HAVE to be attracted to the other person to establish any kind of connection).

Now, if you swiped right on a guy and he swipes right on you then it lets you know and you can immediately start messaging (texting) through the application or it says “Keep Playing” because yeah, it is kind of a game. Boom! You are matched. Not only is your self esteem boosted (because you never know who swiped left on you and can only see the hottie that also thinks you are a hottie), but you are now instantly able to communicate. This is where you can pretty much dictate if this person sounds like a total bore, they are not looking for the same things as you or you’d actually want to meet this person.

Which, brings us to….my date Saturday. Me and homeboy had quite a bit in common. We both swiped right. Same age.  Tx born, both in Real Estate. Texted through Tinder, then he got the number, then I hate to admit (but was actually free on a Saturday night). So he called (bonus points for calling!!) to set up the date.

After showings some condos, taking some photos, showing a friend around, I had ended up on Rainey. This was my first mistake. I thought I saw him (homeboy I was going to go on a date with) so I texted him, “Hey are you at Bar 96 by chance?” He texted back, “No, why?” And I said, “Oh, thought I saw you”


Bad idea. So now when I go to the East side to meet up with home boy for a cocktail two hours later, he thinks I have already been day drinking (which I hadn’t) and no telling how many he had before he got there as he proceeds to pound drinks as I am taking my time (drinks were strong–Bourbon so easier to sip than slam). PS we tried Whisler’s and they have awesome craft cocktails and a very cool vibe- I do recommend that place!  whisler

Conversation was fine, and we had talked about grabbing a bite to eat. Somehow (and maybe I should have re-directed this decision) we came to J Blacks. As if I don’t spend enough time at that place.

Homeboy invited his friend ( fact, we will call his friend Hans Solo in this post) to join us on our date. Alright, that’s cool, I can go along with that I guess??? (wtf was going on?) When we got to that bar, I ordered a water. Homeboy brought me from the bar a vodka Red bull. Awesome…just like water. And he ordered himself a Crown and coke–double. We ordered food. Well I ordered food for us while he chatted with Hans (I put it on my tab–not complaining-just noting) at the bar. His friend stood there and chatted with us by the small cocktail table. Sorry, did I say chat? I meant yell. That place was way too loud for the time we were there. Volume needs to go up at 11pm not 9pm. (Ok I know I sound like a grandma but it is true). Food came. Hans  walked to the bar to watch sports highlights, but the bar was pretty busy at this point. We could see him  from where we were. We started to eat and holy mother of god was the thai pulled pork pizza too spicy for this girl. I told him I couldn’t finish because it was too spicy and that’s when I realized that homeboy was pretty much too drunk and not comprehending me (loud music probably didn’t help). He told me he was going to go talk to Hans because he felt bad he was alone. Cool. So there I sat with my spicy ass pizza and my can of Red Bull thinking to myself, what the hell is going on, why am I still here, and hmm who else is out that I can go hang out with? haha.


Hans actually came over and talked to me when homeboy was in the restroom. He told me that he told him to call off our date at 9pm and then go out because homeboy likes to get super hammered. I mentioned to Hans that I was pretty much thinking of slipping off to the bathroom and not coming back because homeboy was so drunk he wouldn’t remember. Can’t remember what else Hans and I talked about, I think it was awkward. I basically told him  this is why I hate doing drinks on the first date, and usually any place loud for that matter. So there we were. Homeboy came back from the restroom and was getting a little handsy he kept mentioning something lame about “my beautiful eyes” and leaning in super close. In which I kept pulling back and finally told him that I was going to go and let him hang with Hans. He asked me if I was having a good time and well, honest Ash had spoken-I shook my head no and shrugged my shoulders like “sorry?” I told him I was going to go to the bathroom.


When I came back out, I ran into a friend and pretty much never went back to the table. Am I an awful person for doing that? I looked over several times and never saw him (pretty sure Hans told him I was bailing and off they went and played) No text from him asking where I had gone or anything all night. I paid my tab and hung out with the new crew I had acquired. I can’t necessarily call that one “my worst date ever” (refer to this blog  post) BUT let’s chalk it up to one of the many reasons why you shouldn’t drink on the first date. No one needs to meet the drunk version of yourself on date one. They just need to meet the representative of yourself you sent out for date #1 (let’s face it, the real you take a bit to come out, maybe date #3?).

The following day, about noon homeboy did finally follow up for a text. He said he needed to run 4mi and puke. And I said “Cool, just got through with a ten miler.” And he followed with “Sorry about last night, I think I was trying to catch up when you were trying to slow down.” I wrote “exactly.” And haven’t heard from him since. Cool story bro, huh?


If you learned anything from this post, I hope it is that: Whisler’s is cool and don’t get hammered on your first dates and waste Saturday nights on strangers. Peace!

Who is Ashley and what does she do when she is not blogging about her bad dates? Read more here.




I have so many thoughts and interesting conversations on this subject (see past blog) that I have decided to write a little more and break these posts up into a mini-series. So we will call this one…


Note: If you met your SO (significant other) online, that is all good for you. I am happy for you…many of my friends have. Don’t tell me not to be negative about finding someone. I am just being real and I bet you can TOTALLY relate to this post as you have tried to block the bad memories of before you met Mr. or Mrs. Right.

Momma always said, “Dating is a numbers game.” The problem is-I only have so much time (and can only count so high) to play this so called “game.”

I don’t even know where to begin. I was scrolling through Facebook this evening, per usual and noticed a friend’s post say “ suggested two guys I’ve already dated…not a good sign! :)” This has totally happened to me too. The reason being is that really there is no “matching system” with, ladies, they just know that you put in a mile radius, a height requirement, you want kids someday and you are a social drinker–who gives a shit about any of those core things that really matter and connect two people?! Let’s start browsing.

So I will start here, with I will first preface my rantings with this: I have dated online off and on for the past few years and also when I was younger and new to a different city. (So don’t tell me I haven’t done it long enough, believe me, I have). Let’s start with the different “approaches I have taken” with online dating…


1. There’s the “Ok, he doesn’t look that great in the pictures, but seems like he’s really nice and has his shit together and had a nice, well composed email and knows the difference between “their” and “they’re” maybe he is better looking in person, so I will go on a date with him and see what happens/keep an open mind” Approach.

<Fail.  This is a bad idea. If you aren’t attracted to their raw photos, blurry photos, prom pic from high school photo, selfie while in a truck with a seatbelt on photo, wearing a hat and sunglasses holding a fish with three other dudes (you can’t even tell which one he is) photo, selfie at the gym to show his tiny calfs photo, sweet photo of him as a groomsmen with mom at his brother’s wedding photo, side profile “Instagrammed up” photo, or the one of him holding a child with the quote underneath it letting you know the child is not his: “Me and my niece” photo–you probably won’t be attracted to them in person. From the bottom of my shallow heart, you really do have to be attracted to the person, unless you’re blind I guess.>


2. There’s the “Ok I am not going to wink, like, poke (whatever) or email first, because if a guy is really into me, he will approach me first and ask me out, I read “The Rules” and I am just too assertive and apparently intimidate guys according to my friends (who are really just saying that to try and make me feel better, because they don’t know what else to tell me) but whatever happens, happens” Approach.

<Fail. Let me tell you what happens….(hear that? It’s crickets.) Nothing happens. Guys are just as big of wussies online as they are in public.

It goes like this: “Oh! A cute guy that’s tall, no kids, doesn’t smoke and also runs town lake (what do ya know!) looked at my profile-score! I will look at his so he sees that I am checking him out, hopefully he will shoot me a line, we both go to the same places etc etc” So you look. Two days later:

“Oh he looked at mine again, I will look at him and maybe refresh his memory that I am looking, after all this is like me looking at him from across the bar, now he should approach me by writing first, after all  I am a damn catch!” Maybe I should wink first?..No, no…I cannot wink, because that is too aggressive, and I am afraid of rejection, surely we have a lot in common, he’ll wink or email me, I am the shit….


Nothing. (hashtag typical).>


3. There’s the “I am just going to sign up, not care too much “this time around,” god I hate online dating, why do I keep doing this to myself, I have friends, I meet people, this is just another way of putting myself out there I guess,  so whatever happens, happens.” Approach.

<Fail. (well sometimes). This is how approach #3 goes down in the first three days–

1. you feel super flattered-“Oh look at all these likes I am getting on my new profile pic!”  “Ooooh another text came in that I have an email on match how exciting, let me go read it…”

2.Text notification: Hunk1956 winked at you. Hunk1956 emailed you. WoW5678 emailed you. MrLonghrnLove emailed you. TxGent512 winked at you. blah blah blah…

and sadly, I realize I shouldn’t complain, there are men interested in me, that’s great… but guess what?:

3. Hunk1956 is older than your Dad.

MrLonghrnLove is 5’3 and 22. (I am 30).

TxGent512 is divorced with 3 kids and living in Temple, Tx

and WoW5678  has no photos whatsoever and that is kind of scary that he has a world of warcraft reference in his username.

Now, let’s dig a little deeper to what their emails say…

(PS All usernames were made up by me to protect the “innocent”).


MEN: What NOT to write when “approaching” a woman online:

1. Hey I like ur pics!

2. Hey what’s up?

3. Hey what are you up to tonight?

4. Hey, I am curious about you and want to get to know you, if you want to get to know me text me at 512……

5. Hey, what’s going on, how is match treating you so far?

6. Wow you’re gorgeous!

7. How are you?! Any weekend plans? You are beautiful and charming and I want to get to know you better, check out my profile and if you want to get to know me we should hang out some time.

(PS I really have gotten some of these messages).

I could go on—but you get the point. What do they all have in common? Only the fact that they are freakin’ lame. Is that what you would say if you started a conversation with a woman in public/a bar/a house party/ among a circle of friends/through a friend/the grocery store or wherever else you would meet a lady?!? Well, I guess you most likely wouldn’t talk to a woman in public…who does any more these days? That’s why you are online, but come on Broseph! A one liner that you copy and pasted to ten different women at 12am is not going to make me interested in you. You don’t have to actually read my entire profile, I will even accept skimming, but if you plan on writing me-you better reference something in there that you liked (and if there wasn’t anything in there that you liked, you probably shouldn’t be writing me) and make a joke (but don’t write LOL I hate that crap)…but women LOVE funny. So learn how to be that.

Ok, ok I know I sound like a total B or a Debbie Downer or Negative Nancy, but it is the truth (for me anyway)! I am an average looking female (I am no Mila Kunis-I get it..but I am also no Dooneese either),  I have a lot to offer; I mean I work hard, I workout, I don’t smoke…I am witty (at least I’d like to think so) and I can “dress up and wear heels or be laid back with jeans too” (men seem to reference this a lot in their profiles). Oh and guess what?! I like going out with my friends some nights and having fun AND I don’t mind staying in from time to time either-maybe cooking or watching a movie on the couch. This profile sound familiar? (that’s a whole other rant).


So why is it that I can’t find a decent catch? Are MY expectations too high? Probably. Not gonna lie.

Men think its a “Woman’s world” online…and it is… (for really hot women…who aren’t crazy…wait does that exist? That may be an oxymoron of some sort). Anyway…. there are a lot of them in Austin–hot women, that is (ok and crazy too, but that’s a whole other rant). But really good looking men (IMO) see online “dating” as a sea of desperate women who so badly want a relationshit, (that wasn’t a typo) that it is easy to take advantage of by pretending they want the same…or some are pretty blatantly looking to hook up. And some are just so damn awkward/shy they have to hide online to approach women (I have met them all).

Ok, I am getting long on this so I will save it for my next posts. Thanks for reading and I hope you find my honesty refreshing and not too negative. “Tune” in next time, when I will probably rant about texting…


or selfies…


As always, thanks for reading….


My. Worst. Date. Ever.

Well, I am not a newbie to writing about my personal life. Is it weird?– a little, but do I enjoy telling my friends these stories of mine? Yes. I am somewhat of an open book. And I think of  topics to write about all the time (sadly most of them relating to dating), but never end up writing about it because I get so busy. Plus the fact my previous dating experiences and theories shared online did spawn me a little national television appearance (thank you Anderson Cooper), I have decided to share another story. The story of the worst date I have ever been on. Is there a website where people could share really bad dates? There should be. Maybe I will (wo)man that project.

While I could write an entire blog about how lame online dating is, I will spare the negativity…for now (that’s a whole other topic). And I could go on and on about how socially inept people (men) are these days, but again I will refrain (and have somewhat already talked about that in the past).

Where I will start is with this: He has my number.

What does that mean to men these days that have your number? Time to text. No one calls these days any more. And for those of you that know me well, know I am included in that, and those of you that know me better, know that I cannot stand when a guy gets your number then never calls only texts. I especially hate pointless texts that just try to keep you around, but never get to any point.

Let’s give this guy a name, an alias. We will call him Mr. Bubbles (I will get to why later). So Mr. Bubbles has my number. He texts me a few times, we exchange witty banter here and there are a few times within that week or so where he’d text me to go out. Not go out in a few days, but literally meet him out like right then and there. He knew I lived North and would write something like “Park. Brunch, come join now.” I am sorry, did you just ask me to have a date with you now. And are you really eating by yourself at THE Sunday Funday spot in Austin? Doubtful. So did you just ask me to join you and your friends…well that’s a weird first meet up. I told him I was busy. Not because I was lying, but because I actually was busy– showing houses or working an open house-can’t remember but there was definitely plans in my books. He stayed persistent and nice. Good. The witty banter texts continued for the next few days and he had asked me to to do something a few days later, but again at the time he was texting me. I had a softball game, I told him he would have to be a better planner than that. I keep busy. (In a nice way I said this, I am not always abrasive-promise).

Then I got a call one night. I paused from my friends and answered. Holy crap, I thought to myself, this guy ACTUALLY called. It was a miracle. He noticed it was loud-ish where I was. I explained I was having dinner and catching up with a friend in town. He was bummed I was busy because he was going to ask me to do something–again–at that very moment. And then honest Ash kicked in. You know her well. I said, “Look, if you want to ask me out on a date, you need to plan a few days ahead. I can’t just drop what I am doing any night of the week and come meet you. I put things in a calendar. I work evenings and nights some times and I am a social person.” He got the message. We finally scheduled  a date. Sometimes being blunt works for me (other times it does not, ha).

Typical date place picked: Kona Grill (since we both are North Austinites). Time of date 8pm.

The night of our date rolls around, at about 3pm he calls to confirm. (Again, he called–props to him). But asks if we can push it back to 8:30, fine by me. Around 7 or so he texts me he is just about to hit the gym and can we make the date at 9pm. I texted him back and said-Sure that’s fine, but doesn’t the restaurant close at 10? No response. Oh well, I guess 9 it is. I arrive at 9. I don’t get too excited about many dates, especially because I am just so burnt out on them and most of them are pretty low key lunches, walks, dog park dates etc (which is what I suggest because who wants to sit through a dreaded 2hr meal–which I end up paying for my half anyway to a restaurant I didn’t even really want to go to -yes this happened, again-another blog). I was semi excited about this one because  1. He was Tall (I have found most guys lie about their height, and also my heels and wedges make me one tall lady). And 2. He was funny (well via text at least) and I will add he was kind of confident, which is always attractive for the opposite sex. And 3. He had suggested an actual, decisive “real date” place, made the plan-didn’t leave it to me, and all that good stuff.

So he shows up late. No biggie. I am not always on time either. But the restaurant closes at 10pm. So 9:15 we head to a table, as there are really only about 10 in the whole place and you can tell the servers are cleaning and taking care of their check out (being in the service industry for as many years as I have made me already aware that we were going to be that last annoying table). I double check it is still that fantastic reverse happy hour. ” No I am sorry, we don’t do that on Sundays” says the hostess. As we walk to a table Mr. Bubbles says, “Aww man, are you serious.” And we sit down and look at the menu, ” Everything here is so expensive if it isn’t on happy hour.”

I am not rich. This place wasn’t a fancy steak house, and I know I may sound like a total brat, but guys–don’t ever complain about the menu price. ESPECIALLY if YOUpicked the freakin’ place. If you are too cheap to eat, drink and tip, then just don’t go out, there are plenty of things you can do then. I normally wouldn’t gripe about this kind of thing, but after several conversations with friends-I know I am not alone on this opinion. Strike 1: The guy gripes about menu prices at restaurant HE PICKED!

I suggested we go somewhere else. “The Park is open until 2 and may still be serving food.” He asks me what I want to do, I said I didn’t care, and then he starts talking about other stuff. The waiter comes by a few times before he finally orders a coffee. We don’t discuss the menu and what we are going to eat and in fact he pushes it aside. So in my head I am thinking: Did he really just order coffee this close to closing? And the other part of me was thinking–did he really just order ONLY a coffee and we aren’t even going to eat or anything? I am not sure how we got on the subject, but Mr. Bubbles was funny via text, but on the date, no, he was quite boring. He discussed how awesome he used to be at music, but he quit that after a while of living in Austin. He discussed how “set” he was in life and how he could probably retire early. Then he discussed how he had dropped out of college several times and he worked part time at UPS. Hmmm. Strike 2: Mr. Bubbles was boring and liked to chat about himself A LOT. (And I am not even scratching the surface of some of the ridiculous things we discussed)

Conversation eased up some when I called him out for being so playful via text messages and so serious on our date. We chatted about dating. Isn’t that what you do on dates–Discuss your theories and awkward moments and the pros and cons? I think I have on almost every date.

Well the restaurant was definitely closed. Waiter had come by about 5 times to see if we were ever going to order. I had about three glasses of water. He had a cup of coffee, which he had asked for another but the waiter said the “dishwasher” already threw it out to wash the pot. We were the last table in the restaurant just about. He paid for his coffee (semi surprised I didn’t pay for it, though because my water was free, I didn’t offer to split the tab).

He walked me to my car, which happened to be right next to his. He did the whole, hug and “I had a nice time ” line. I said the same but was definitely thinking otherwise. He asked if our date was disappointing. I told him that he just seemed really serious and kind of nervous. His explanation was that he wanted to show me a serious side. haha. Oh boy. He also mentioned that he’s a “health nut” and trying to eat really well. I then said, “oh, well you should have said something, we could have gone bowling or done something active if you don’t go out to eat much.” I kid you not, he told me, “Well I don’t really know how bowling works and all that…” Apparently he also doesn’t know how dinner dates work either. I can’t tell if that was a really crappy excuse or the truth. Remember earlier when I mentioned he had started his own business and he was “set for life”? His mini-van that he drove was the company cleaning business he had started. He told me he used to have four, but just down to this one and yes, it has a maid and bubbles painted all over it. Hence the alias Mr. Bubbles, because apparently that’s what the guys at work call him. Strike 3: I don’t really even need to explain why this date was over before it began.

Best part about this whole date was his response the next day.

Honest Ashley came out full speed ahead (#sorryfornotbeingsorry) all via text message (note I am typing these text messages as they appear on my phone):

Bubbles: I like your confidence miss Ashley and what you got to say. I hope I wasn’t too much of a disappointment. Thank you. It was very nice meeting you.

Me: Well, the thing that was disappointing was I was under the impression we were going to eat. So I didn’t eat all day to have a nice meal with you and then you don’t even ask if I could care for anything after we just got done talking about how on first dates there are little tests that people give each other. If you didn’t want to spend any money or eat bad you should have just said so and we could have met at a coffee shop or something. I just thought I was going to see this playful side and then you were just so serious. Sorry if that sounds mean, I am just really honest. But I didn’t feel any sparks and it was nice meeting, thank you so much. [Longest text ever, I know]

Bubbles: Cool. I could tell you wanted to leave within the first five minutes. I had my next date after yours and she came home with me and is still asleep in my bed–I’ll ask her if I was sweet enough and treated her right when I wake her up in a sec here and drive her home. I will get this right someday.

I won’t go into the next few text messages from Mr. Bubbles raging on me, but the funny part was the next day I got a text that said: Let me know what I can do to get you more clients. I wanna see u succeed. [weird].


Again, I didn’t respond. Perhaps dating etiquette is half the battle. Who knows, but this guy had to go.

Right. I will be sure and do that Mr. Bubbles.  And so the search continues for a better worse date to write about. Can this experience be topped? Only time will tell (and my blog). Stay tuned for more shenanigans and as always thanks for reading.

Who is Ashley and what does she do when she is not blogging about her unfortunate Austin bad dates? Read more on here by clicking here! And have a wonderful day.