Last year I wrote about my Top Dates of 2014.
And by “top” I mean, pretty awful, but always humorous events to tell about, of course…
This year I surprisingly (and thankfully) don’t have terrible dating moments to share (ask me about Molester Mike when you see me, I feel too bad blogging about this one).
HERE ARE THE TOP 5 DATES of 2015…
THAT ACTUALLY NEVER HAPPENED:
NUMBER 5: Mr. Philanthropy
(He did a ton of volunteering, seemed like a nice dude). Got my number on a Sat. touching base with me, text, text blah blah, I like this, cool, I live in that part of town, blah blah…
Him: let’s get together tomorrow then?
Me: Ah, sorry I can’t plans with friends, but after?
Him: Ah, no time, but we can schedule something next week.
Him on Monday: Proposes Ice Cream at Lick off Burnet on Wednesday. (swoon, he picked a place I was going to be near and didn’t pussy foot, but made a plan)
Me: Cool, that works, see you there, blah blah blah, texty text, blah blah things we both have in common yadda yadda
Him on Tuesday 10:44pm: I have to cancel. I have been seeing a woman that I want to move forward with, best of luck!
Me: Cool, thanks for being up front, good luck to you too.
SIDE NOTE: Is this what guys say now instead of the truth? Is this what he really meant:
“Hey gotta cancel, I can tell I am actually not that interested in you and I just matched up with a chick that’s way hotter”
“Hey you are actually pretty boring over text, so I think I am gonna pass”
I will take the “moving on, good luck” over the actual truth, I guess. Just don’t ghost me-man that is annoying.
NUMBER 4: Mr. LOL
(If you have read my past blogs you know my hatred for “lol”) Mr. LOL gets my digits on a Wednesday…it’s honestly irrelevant, but I will tell you we lasted until a Sunday, no date ever planned…but I think I am ok with that.
The next series are his responses/comments in our textversation (literally I am scrolling down and typing in his answers) this guy has so much to talk about ya’ll, I tried, I really did: (note any grammatical mistakes are not on my part, I am doing this verbatim, but he wasn’t that bad, actually).
lol youre so tough.
Lol youre so traditional
That’s sexy to me (no I didn’t send him nudes, I told him I was somewhat traditional)
Again, I know how to treat a woman you’ll see
I think it’s 50/50
Lol so does attitude
(sends me a photo of a weird seal making a face-I think he’s trying to be funny, it does not pertain to our convo) I ask him if he had plans this weekend –and next few responses:
Lol not really and you?
Still playing (he is referring to me asking him how his poker game is going)
Lol calm down (I joked no cell phones at the poker table)
And then he sent me a photo in the bathroom, with a backward caps lifting his shirt up showing me his flexed abs.
I will stop there. That’s all you really need to know.
(SIDE NOTE: 25 Things Men in their 30s need to STOP doing)
NUMBER 3: Mr. Nanna Helper
Started texting me on a Saturday. Blah blah blah from Austin, family here, has a business dealing with real estate blah blah blah commonalities, that’s cool, oh you like doing stuff to your house me too, blah blah text text text. Let him go, had dinner plans. Seemed like a good ol boy, which I liked.
Him Sunday: Good Morning! Happy Sunday! Blah blah, text, text, told him about news I got that day, blah blah, texty text banter.
Monday: Hey How’s it going, just helping out my Nanna, she lives down the street from me.
Me: I am off to the gym, but let’s chat later. I follow up. Blah blah gym was brutal…
Him: Blah blah I think I am getting sick blah blah what are you up to?
Me: researching vacations blah yadda yadda.. where to go, I love travel (it was late)
Tuesday HIm: Follows up on travel conversation, says he has only been to Mexico.
Me: It happens, do you have the desire to travel more?
Never heard from him again. Awesome.
NUMBER 1: Mr. Eureka
Met a guy when we were out-left him my number. He followed up and it was before I was going out on the lake, so I told him if he could be at Hula Hut in an hour, he could come with. He did, it was fine. Ate dinner with us (left wallet in boat, so I paid). This was in August–it was actually on my birthday. So technically we did go out (but it was him submerged with all my friends on the lake, unsure if you call that a real date).
That night: Texted me he had fun, we should hang out some time!
Me: Yeah, I had fun too and sounds good!
Sep from him: Texty text, blah blah, how are things, we should get together some time.
Me: Yeah, sounds good.
Dec. 8, 8:31pm
Him: Whatcha doin?
Me: about to get some work done
Him: Well damn. My life is pretty 9-5 now so let’s meet up sometime soon.
Me: Nice having evenings open, huh? Sounds good
Him: Yeah for sure
Never heard from him again.
NUMBER 5: Mr. Football
Matched on Bumble (a dating app. similar to Tinder with better quality guys and girls have to write first)
Oct. 16: I opened with “which team should I pick for my win in my eliminator challenge?” and gave him the teams I was deciding between.
blah blah, chiefs, blah blah vikings, blah blah bad picks, blah, texty text, from Austin, text text I went to Tx State as well, oh cool what was your major? blah blah blah. football emjoi, hand clapping emoji,
Asked for my number Oct. 26 (yes, 10 days later) after texting pretty much daily here and there and emojid our way through conversations.
Blah blah, Oh we know the same people, blah, texty text, Austin is so small, “lol” blah, yadda yadda, thumbs up emoji, beer mug emoji, yes I go to that bar too…blah blah blah, emoji, wink face, tongue out emoji,
Last Text Sent: Nov. 5
Never had a date, nor a phone call, but we sure did “talk” a lot of football and I tip my hat to a few of his correct picks, helping me through quite a ways. I also used emojis I hadn’t before, so that was a for sure perk.
And that ladies and gentleman (sorry to report, Mom and Dad) is me “dating” in 2015.
Oh wait, there is one I forgot about!
I deleted him already but it basically went somethin’ like this:
Mr. Foot Fettish?
Him texting me: What do you do, what do you like to do, do you want to have kids, what do you look for in a man, blah blah blah. What made you decide to reach out to me?
I joked: I didn’t, you reached out to me. (he wasn’t really happy with that answer-we met online, he emailed me, I wrote him back).
Him: blah blah blah, California, new to Austin, yadda yadda, I live DT here, yadda yadda software sales, blah blah wine emoji, treat ladies right blah blah and we texted quite a bit that first night (as I wrote out my xmas card list and watched the Good Wife in the background). We texted about meeting up in a few days, tossed around ideas.
Him: I treat women right blah blah blah. I take care of myself and get pedis (which I have nothing against). blah blah texty text a lot, where ya from, holiday plans, blah blah, do you like what you do, where all have you traveled, airplane emoji, blah blah blah, yadda yadda,
Him some more: I lived in LA forever.
Me: Really, did you like it? I think it is kind of pretentious, but maybe I should visit again.
Him: OMG yes I love LA, it is the best you must visit again! Do you get pedis?
Me: When I can.
Him: I think you can tell a lot about a woman by the way she takes care of her feet.
Me: Well then, I think my feet say-she’s a hard working woman that doesn’t make time for a pedi sometimes. haha
Him: Send me a picture
Me: No, I am busy
Him: Come on, if you don’t send me a pic, I am not taking you out on a date.
Me: I am not sending you a photo of my feet. I actually still have boots on anyway.
Him: Well no date and wine for you until you send me a picture of those feet.
–And that was that, never got that wine–
(come on, I had to post that image above, too funny, thanks Google images)
You are welcome.
Bring on 2016…and the dating revelations (inspired by Aziz) I will attempt to put into play.